April 22, 2010

exhale

Whew... 2 big teaching evaluations in one week, I am about ready to drop over and sleep for 3 days!

Thankfully all went well and a long-awaited success is almost in the bag... a continuing contract!! I have waited and waited - the process being grueling/frustrating/long/hard (though I'd venture to say it has molded me into a better teacher and person... as trials often do...).


It's difficult to explain what goes on in your mind when you are 'evaluated' by another person. Under scrutiny, held only to the very highest of expectations, evaulated in a job that involves so much of your heart.


And really, it is all about heart. In the span of 10 months you go from not knowing these little people to teaching them to do amazing things like read and write and care about others. You watch as their world expands, your heart leaps when they discover or realize something and they light up inside. Oh yes, the little people you don't know in September have a way of working themselves into your heart.


Now, don't get me wrong, it's not all bright days and starry eyes. I have cleaned up the projectile remnants of an upset stomach, played referee in many meaningless arguments, spent long hours in my classroom and grown a few gray hairs. Yet overall, I must conclude that I do love teaching.


It has certainly been a 'falling in love' process over the last 6 years, and I didn't really think I could 'get there' when I began. I'd always envisioned myself teaching for a couple years, passing time until my ultimate dream could be fulfilled - being at home with my own children (and those heart struggles could be a whole other post on their own...).

However, in these last few weeks I have felt God whispering "this is what I have for you right now, these are your kids, and continuing contract or not, I am the one who orders your steps".

So I trust Him.

I do get to hear 'mom' every once in a while... even though it is spoken by accident... it makes my heart smile.


April 16, 2010

calm...

this evening is a happy one, a peaceful one.

we didn't get around to supper till 9:00, burgers on the bbq in the twilight, a fingernail thin slice of moon and a bright evening star above. hugs. and a peacefulness. the peace of trusting.

thank you dear hubby, for reminding me to trust in plans that are Bigger than our own. I love your heart.

and I will sleep tonight with that evening star shine in my eyes.

April 13, 2010

comfort

These rather gray spring days with the late bite of winter lingering in the wind seem to suit my current state-of-being to a tee. Perhaps it's those crazy female hormones, or spring fever even. Emotions just seem amplified, overwhelming.  And though this little spot will continue, I'm sure, to be a place of sunshine, right now what I need it for is a bit of relief. To allow this huge pressure to balloon out of my chest.

I am so very happily married to a wonderful, patient, Godly man. Each day, no matter how gray, still holds smiles and joy. I am free to be myself, and pursue all that my heavenly Father has in mind for me. But things have not always been this way. 

There is a former time (a dark and heartbreaking time) where I lost myself, married to a man who would break my heart in so many ways. No need to get bogged down in the muck of it, just know I had the best intentions marrying him, thought I knew him, and went through the deepest pain as he made decisions that cost us our marriage. I learned some of the hardest lessons I have ever learned; you cannot make somebody love you and you cannot make someone else's decisions for them. To survive, I had to let go.

It took many wise words and prayer from wonderful people in my life to learn hard things, heal and move forward, restored.

This song pierced my heart this week, like I could have written it myself. In a way I needed to sing a song like this. 

I'm still learning; learning to love and trust and live. Really live. 

When the pain of loss hits like a tonne of bricks.

When you feel like you are all alone.

Somehow, without even being asked, comfort comes,

and you start to breathe again.

There are many wonderful, amazing and understanding people in my life now who have learned from experience that it won't always sting. There will be a time memories will surface and it won't hurt anymore. I believe it. I am waiting expectantly for it.

In the meantime, I will soak in the comfort that is only found in one source. 

And I will thank Him for rescuing me. 

{for more back-story - written in the days & months after he left see Here}

April 10, 2010

(cozy)

here...


is where I hope to spend this blustery evening...


curled up with one of these and reading this.

Beaching in April

Oh Spring - your sunny warm days can come and go so fast... 

So in the midst of this spring blizzard we are in, I felt compelled to remind you what you looked like last weekend...

 Yes, I was even squinting in the sun :)

Old winter ice slowly creeping away from shore,


And I enjoyed the sun with the best beach-combing buddy,

 <3 you

If I were ever stranded on an ice-encrusted island (this is Canada after all...) I would want to be stranded with you...


So Spring - please stop snowing! We want to get out and play :)