It's difficult to explain what goes on in your mind when you are 'evaluated' by another person. Under scrutiny, held only to the very highest of expectations, evaulated in a job that involves so much of your heart.
And really, it is all about heart. In the span of 10 months you go from not knowing these little people to teaching them to do amazing things like read and write and care about others. You watch as their world expands, your heart leaps when they discover or realize something and they light up inside. Oh yes, the little people you don't know in September have a way of working themselves into your heart.
Now, don't get me wrong, it's not all bright days and starry eyes. I have cleaned up the projectile remnants of an upset stomach, played referee in many meaningless arguments, spent long hours in my classroom and grown a few gray hairs. Yet overall, I must conclude that I do love teaching.
It has certainly been a 'falling in love' process over the last 6 years, and I didn't really think I could 'get there' when I began. I'd always envisioned myself teaching for a couple years, passing time until my ultimate dream could be fulfilled - being at home with my own children (and those heart struggles could be a whole other post on their own...).
However, in these last few weeks I have felt God whispering "this is what I have for you right now, these are your kids, and continuing contract or not, I am the one who orders your steps".
So I trust Him.