Being caught in a fire certainly roused fear - a fear rooted in survival. Now, with talk of reisdents returning home and the possibility of school starting up again, I find a new fear rising - a fear rooted in a lack of security. You see, I'm in my safe place out on the farm. The wind blows through the trees and the smell of spring is all around. It is quiet. No sirens, no smoke. No people most of the time! Just birds, and flowers and peace.
I can't imagine leaving right now. I am soooo not ready to look that devastation in the face. Hearing others talk about returning, how they long to go home, to see friends again, it should be a happy thing. Why does it scare me to death? Possibly because I have no home. Possibly because I have wonderful friends here, friends I have had for the last 16 years. Family close by and closer to extended family. I can still walk through my home in my head, it is not so obvious here that it is gone. I can snuggle our scraggly little farm cat and the pain of losing my best little furry friend is not as acute as it would be, being 'home' and not having her there.
Where is 'home' now? I think I'm stuck in what my home used to be, because I'm terrified to go back to the 'home' that no longer exists.
I know God has a plan. So what is it? Where will Neal find a job? Where can we 're-build' not just our home but our life?
I have never been so without-a-plan before in my life. And this whole surrender thing, well it's not just an occasional basis. It is daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute, as I battle the fear of returning to the devastation I ran away from, even if it's only for a day. Part of me cries out 'God, spare me from going down that highway, make a way here'. But it is not yet at all clear what the future holds.