Autumn leaves are not all that are turning in this new season. It's not even those ripe red apples, faintly orange pumpkins or yellowed butternut squash. Something inside is turning. Like the tide, I can feel it. There is a huge pull away from self-dependance, and a push towards God-dependance. A turning, from self-preservation towards trust. A movement to change. A call to turn deeply rooted thoughts and feelings, long-held selfishness and fear into faith. Faith that His timeline is better than mine.
I have a job interview tomorrow.
Waiting on jobs has been sooooo hard. Time and time again I have been challenged to wait. I do not like to wait. I like to hurry up and keep on keeping on. But in deep, quiet and persistant ways, God is teaching me to turn. away. from. my.self. and self-dependance and turn to Him. He has and is all I need. His promptings have come through the new ladies Bible-study readings, through tearful confessions and late night chats with my husband, even through songs on the radio. But it's oh-so-hard. These old thoughts and feelings run deep, it hurts when He weeds them out.
Trust in the bank account? Ri-i-i-p!
Just as I tend a garden, God tends my heart. And these are big weeds He is dealing with people. I cannot remember a time I did not depend so stubbornly on my own strength and abilities. Old habits die hard. But I think it's time to change. I think, He thinks it's time to change. Time to trust that He knows this future of mine better than I do. Time to make this future about Him and not about me.
It's hard work, this trust.
This turning away from self.
Yet I know trusting in this way will reap a beautiful harvest.
I lift my hands to believe again, You are my refuge, You are my strength As I pour out my heart these things I remember You are faithful God forever.
Mmmmm... can you smell them? I really wish their warm cinnamon-y aroma could drift through your monitor! Such a perfect little fall-ish snack, especially with some warm apple cider or a pumpkin-spice latte perhaps?
Here's the recipe (in case you are tempted)
I use my all-time favourite Sky High Biscuits recipe (substituting the 1C of whole wheat flour for 1C white - 'cause you know, sometimes it just tastes better! I also add 1tsp cinnamon to the dough, and cut back to 1/2 C butter/margarine)
Once your biscuit dough is ready you need to:
roll dough into a large rectangle,
sprinkle with cinnamon & sugar (I added pumpkin pie spice too),
roll into a log (pinching edges to seal)
cut into 1" rolls,
place on an ungreased baking sheet
and bake @ 425 for 10-15mins
Then you need to:
resist the temptation to scarf one down before they have cooled off
curl up with a fall-ish magazine (I love Victoria and Real Simple)
and sit out in a sunbeam on the deck
while enjoying the riotous fall colours.
Oh, and here are the results of the hair dilemma - still long, just not long enough for those headaches!
Kindness flowed from the hearts of many after the wildfires of May 15th.
Here is one way I was tangibly wrapped in comfort.
This too-beautiful-for-words quilt was donated by a kind heart and made by talented hands. Hands so talented I am questioning the value in replacing my sewing machine, since I could only create such a masterpiece in my dreams!
Many quilts were donated to families who lost everything in the fire.
This beauty was chosen by a dear teaching colleague for me.
And it is oh-so-perfect.
Right down to the little dragonfly pattern
and gorgeous fabric choices.
It brings a smile to my face on the hardest of days.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"
Thank you Father, for the tangible ways you bring comfort. Thank you for using the hands of another to be Your hands. Open my heart to share the comfort you have given to me.
I may be writing on the topic of running prematurely.
After all, it has only been a week.
And you must understand that my definition of r-u-n is 'a rather fast walk combined with spurts of a slow jog'.
it is not the definition you'll find in Wikipedia...
Did I mention I 'run' with water bottles instead of small weights? (And here I stress small 'cause these chicken arms are not up to anything above 2 pounds...) Although quite humourous looking, the water-bottles come in handy when you are gasping for breath and need some cool liquid. Just be sure to drink an equal amount of water out of each one. Don't want lop-sided arms now... ;-)
Am I painting a great picture here? Hope so, because that's the only picture you are going to get! (Besides the quirky mental one that is).
In fact, this picture of my 5'9" frame (complete with chicken arms), flailing water bottles at my side and gasping for breath is one I prefer to keep to myself and away from scaring the neighbours. That, and the little jiggle in the hind end, no-one needs to see that!
So I run in the 40 acres of field at my disposal on the family farm.
I began this venture in exercise a week ago. Born out of a desperation to m.o.v.e, and just simply clear my head. Something primal and restless drove me to the fields to run that first day. I hit the trail and kept going, and going, and going. Feet rhythmically pounding past willow-fringed ponds and over rolling hills.
"keep... going... keep... going"
Driven by something inside. Something kept urging, an inner prompting;
"come on, you can do this, don't bottle it, put the energy into your feet".
After I ran the perimeter of each of the 4 fields, (and happily made it back to the yard!) I collapsed in a sweaty heap. But I felt a-mazing.
And so free.
The kind of free you feel in surrender, in trust, and in joy.
Surrender and trust have been difficult lately, running gives me a time and place to let out the physical stress, making the mental stress easier to let go of. Giving me a time to chat with God where I am totally and completely alone (though I occasionally scare up grouse, deer, and some reeeally big coyotes - who in turn decide to scare me...).
Enjoying running is a foreign feeling. I am the girl who hated track and field, team sports and anything to do with sweating. I would look at people who ran and enjoyed it, and think "wow - how inspiring - I could never do that - I hate running".
But now... It's kind of like when your mom would tell you to try a new vegetable, and you were sure you would hate it, yet after really giving it a chance you discovered it was not so bad.
Running is not so bad.
As inelegant as it is right now, I think I want to keep it up.
So... I've been playing with a new look around here, something a little different, modern vintage? fresh? Not really sure, feels like my dilemma with my long, heavy hair right now - to cut or not to cut? How much? Oh, decisions, decisions... So if anyone is out there (and I know you are!), I would love some feedback (on the blog, or the hair... or both...)