This winter is hanging on oh so long. Beneath the green vacation pictures and kids books is a stifled scream. We are so close to a completed re-build house. I can sense change ahead, and yet this hard, hard season is hanging on, so tight. I've been pretty comfortable in this limbo place. I don't really like the empty, unknown possibilities now lurking about. Will our next home feel the same? Maybe. I really have no idea. No idea if I can go back to carefree days so innocent. I catch myself methodically checking our Animal Humane Society page. When we have a house again will Cadi be there? No. no... but I have no closure. We think about replacing a vehicle; two doors or four? Are we always to be just two?
Bombs go off in Boston, and plants explode in Texas and this place. It is hard to live on this side of heaven. There is. no. safe. home. here.
I feel broken. Broken and like this gray, howling wind existence stretches out too long. I want to hope. But I can't. Thoughts of blue sky days and green grass are so far away. I am tired and I know something needs to change, but what can change when you fear change itself?
Spring thaw and warm summer days will be treasured this year, for we have endured a long winter. We need a new beginning. I so desperately need a new beginning.
One day, in our heavenly home, maybe just maybe, we will treasure it all the more, remembering these hard days that fall like shadow. This race that is hard until the end.
God, sometimes I doubt you are here in this season. Help me to keep seeking, for in seeking you seed hope.