My heart is thin today. Thin from doctors appointments, uncomfortable procedures, and the pure emotional exhaustion of hope gained and hope lost. From feeling like I was in such a good place with all this, with other people having kids, and then falling far back into the ache. From wondering if I should buy that expensive fertility monitor, or keep taking temperatures, and what vitamins are good and what food is bad and is anything good anymore? My body falls apart and hope like glass shatters on hard floors of reality. I can't do this, this thing that seems easy for others, or happens 'accidentally'. I can't carry a baby.
I can help with the kids program at church, I can teach, I can love my friend's kids, but I can't fill these gaping places in my heart that were meant for my children. Why does God plant desires and so long deny them?
In the kitchen, I dig at old roots from my survivor plants. Plants that lived through a month of drought in my classroom after the fire. They show me that life can come from what looks like death, and isn't that what God has been trying to teach these past months? A dirt crusted spoon carefully lifts rhizomes and divides, transplanting new life from old, and I want so badly to apply this to my heart but all I feel is hurt.
The arms of Jesus are deep and wide, and through these struggles I praise the only one who has conquered death. He has won. I will live His victory in my life, I just don't know what that looks like in relation to our family. If it will grow, if it won't. Years have passed and I have tried valiantly to bloom where I've been planted, yet no matter how much time passes there is this hole I can not ignore, that I can not close. It is meant for them, these fictional members of our family that I hold in my heart but wonder if we will ever meet.
When the only answer is that you have no answer, may you find that Jesus is all you need. I want to be strong enough to fight for it, but today all I can do is rest in it, hurting heart and all. Where hope fails and dreams fade, may He be the one thing that holds it all together.
Let me see redemption win, let me know this struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life, and all that's dead inside can be reborn.